In 1995, the band The Gin Blossoms released a song called “Til I Hear It From You”.  The song was a hit, and portrayed the struggle of one man who was told his relationship was over by people other than his partner.  Those people then proceeded to advised him how he should deal with the situation.  His response to this, is captured in the most popular lines from the song, “I don’t wanna take advice from fools/I just figure everything is cool/til I hear it from you”.  Why am I writing about “taking advice from fools”?  People often attend therapy with the hope of receiving some form of poignant and potentially earth-shattering advice from their therapist that will alter their destiny and help make all of their future decisions clearer.  This is one of the greatest misconceptions of what therapy is or should be.  Therapy is not about receiving advice to “fix” any difficulties someone is going through.  Therapy is many things, but moreover, it is the process by which someone works, hand-in-hand with their clinician, to develop a better understanding of their own feelings regarding a specific challenge.  This new understanding enables the individual to better cope with their feelings and actions.  It is a process of growth and adapting, not advice.  In school, therapists are not trained on what advice to give someone in a specific situation.  Advice, by definition, is someone’s subjective opinion.  The benefit of confiding in a therapist, rather than a friend or family member, is found in that counselor’s ability to be unbiased and objective – the complete opposite of what advice is.

This isn’t to suggest that the advice you receive from others is necessarily bad.  I have no doubt that others can offer unique and helpful perspectives on situations.  Whether or not you find the advice helpful or not is completely up to you.  But, as psychologists, we are only trained to administer therapy – not advice regarding how to live your life.  Ultimately, we are no more qualified to give you advice than your friends, your family, your mailman, or even the Gin Blossoms.  But that doesn’t mean all advice is foolish…especially if it is backed up by clinical research.  Bearing that in mind, here are some of my favorite nuggets of advice from the Gin Blossoms and other various 90’s musicians.

“Hey Jealousy” by The Gin Blossoms:

“And if you don’t expect too much from me/you might not be let down.”

One of the most important elements of being happy, is what our expectations for the outcome are compared to the actual outcome.   A 2014 study at the University College of London found that when the outcome of an event was better than what had been anticipated, the person was far happier than in the reverse situation.  This seems logical – you take a test and are hoping to get a B.  Instead, you get an A.  Obviously, you’d be far more excited about that outcome than if you had expected to get an A and then received a B grade – or lower.  But it is not as simple as lowering your expectations.  A 2002 study found that to be the happiest you can be, you must choose a realistic but optimistic point-of-view.  This way, the more the results exceed your already positive expectations, the more you will learn that things can and will work out.

“Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems” by Notorious B.I.G.:

“I don’t know what they want from me/ It’s like the more money we come across/the more problems we see.”

The old adage that “money can’t buy happiness” has been thrown around a lot over the years.  But is it true?  Yes, it appears to be.  “Biggie” might have been on to something here.  In research conducted in 2006 by a University of Minnesota psychologist, Kathleen Vohs, found that merely glimpsing dollar bills makes people less generous and approachable, and more egocentric.  Similarly, researcher Jordi Quoidbach and his team reported that, although wealth may grant us opportunities to purchase many things, it simultaneously impairs our ability to enjoy those things.  This isn’t to say that money is a bad thing – just that if we aren’t happy or satisfied with what we do have, then the ability to have more won’t satisfy that need either.  In other words, “if you want what you have, then you’ll have what you want”.

“Long December” by the Counting Crows:

“And it’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe/Maybe this year will be better than the last/I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself/To hold on to these moments as they pass”

We all know we are supposed to “live in the moment”, but that is very hard to do when there are so many distractions on a daily basis.  Being able to be fully-present in the moment has been identified as a key ingredient to being happy.  Harvard University researcher Matt Killingsworth performed a study that demonstrated when people were the happiest.  As it turns out, the happiness the subjects reported had less to do with what they were doing and more to do with whether their attention was fully present at the moment.  This attention to the moment is also known as “mindfulness” and is a very popular area of psychology.  Overall, it was the person’s sole-focus on the activity that made them feel happier than their ability to multi-task.  So the next time you want to be sure you enjoy an important event in your life: ignore the distractions, put away your cellphone, and really try to focus on what is going on around you.

“You Get What You Give” by the New Radicals

“Don’t let go/You’ve got the music in you/One dance left/This world is gonna pull through/Don’t give up/You’ve got a reason to live/Can’t forget/We only get what we give”

We have all heard the expression “you only get what you give”.  We understand the meaning.  Yet, many of us struggle to put these words into practice, and then we are surprised when the outcome is less than what we hoped for.  Kelly Goldsmith of Kellogg School of Management performed a research study on the correlation between the effort one puts in to achieve a goal, and that person’s success.  The study found that just setting a goal is not enough – instead, the person must take multiple – daily steps towards achieving the goal.  While this might sound like an awful lot of work, Goldsmith’s research also noted that the effort doesn’t need to be huge steps – but rather incremental ones that help the person remain accountable to their goal.  Setting goals for ourselves is just the beginning: success is only achieved when daily effort is also put forth.

Regardless what your musical tastes are, everyone can find some meaningful advice in songs and lyrics.  And while the advice might feel useful to you on the surface, remember that advice is after all, only an expression of another person’s subjective opinion.  Advice, in general, truly carries weight only when it is backed up through research.  It is best to keep this in mind when asking your therapist for advice – because unless the therapist is citing research on the subject, you are only receiving his or her opinion and not a rigorously tested fact.