Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just got into a new relationship, you’ll likely argue with your loved one at one time or another. Arguments can range from minor problems, such as cleaning up around the house, to something more serious. Regardless of the disagreement, you can learn how to fight fair with your partner to achieve conflict resolution.
Continue reading to learn how healthy arguments can benefit your relationship and the fair fighting rules to achieve a positive outcome.
Is It Normal to Argue in Relationships?
No one likes to argue with someone they love, but it’s normal to argue in relationships, and it’ll likely happen from time to time. When handled correctly, arguing can be a healthy part of a relationship since you’ll be working as a team to resolve a problem rather than enemies trying to hurt each other. Arguing and learning how to fight fair with your partner can help you:
Learn About Your Partner and Their Motives
Sometimes, you might not realize something is bothering your partner until you’re in an argument. When you argue with your significant other in a healthy and productive way, you can better understand their feelings and resolve any conflicts of interest between the two of you.
Communicate Your Needs
Anger is a natural human emotion that tells us something is wrong or doesn’t feel right. So long as an argument doesn’t escalate from conflict to combat, you can communicate your frustrations and needs with your partner. You might feel like you’re not valued in the relationship or that your needs are ignored. This is the perfect time to communicate these feelings lovingly and compassionately to inspire positive change.
Get to the Root of the Problem
Some arguments can start from something small, such as not remembering to take out the trash or do the dishes. However, these arguments might begin because there’s a deeper issue to be resolved. Arguing can give you a space to discuss the real problem so you can find solutions that suit you both.
Foster Personal Growth
When you argue in a relationship, you and your significant other grow as people and partners. Arguments can help you learn what you and your partner’s triggers are, if there’s an underlying issue and how you might have been hurtful to your significant other. As long as you don’t resort to name-calling, manipulation or abuse, you and your partner can foster growth from your arguments.
Strengthen Your Bond
Since arguing with your partner can help you learn more about them and their needs, you’ll feel closer if you practice healthy conflict resolution. Arguing can help you air out your concerns rather than avoid them. Contrary to popular belief, arguing can help save your relationship rather than destroy it.
When you and your partner argue, it shows that you both care. As long you don’t belittle each other, invalidate each other’s feelings or participate in abusive behaviors, arguing can be a healthy outlet for you and your partner to resolve conflict.
How to Fight Fair
Arguing is normal, but it’s unproductive when you or your partner make threats, compare each other to past relationships, resort to physical violence or engage in other manipulative or abusive behaviors. Learning how to fight fair in marriage or with your romantic partner through marriage and couples counseling can help you resolve typical problems that appear in many relationships.
If you get into an argument with your loved one, follow these rules to fight fair to help the argument remain productive:
Begin Carefully
Tension can rise quickly in an argument, and people might yell or say things they don’t mean. The way an argument starts will set the tone for the rest of the conversation. Even if you feel overwhelmed by emotion, choose your words carefully and don’t resort to name-calling that could quickly make an argument worse. Try your best to remain calm and be mindful of your tone and volume. If you feel too overwhelmed to stay calm, it’s okay to ask to take a step back so you can collect yourself.
Listen to Each Other
The end goal of every argument should be to resolve conflict peacefully. Rather than trying to hurt your partner with words, listen to what they have to say and see things from their perspective. Ask questions to understand their feelings better so you can start to resolve the issue. Listening to your partner’s point of view will help you determine their needs, which is more important than winning an argument.
Take Turns Talking
In an argument, it can be tempting to interrupt your partner when they say something you disagree with or if you feel the need to defend yourself. However, you cannot listen to your partner and their needs when you’re speaking. Set a time limit on how long each person can talk without interruption so the other person can focus on listening and collecting their thoughts for their turn.
Make Requests
The point you’re trying to get across will be easier to communicate if you make requests rather than complaints. For example, if you’re arguing about your partner forgetting to wash the dishes at the end of each night, try not to say, “Why can you never remember to do the dishes?” These statements can make your partner feel like you’re speaking down to them. Instead, you could say something like, “I noticed the dishes are starting to pile up. Would you mind cleaning those before bed?”
Foster a Loving Environment
No one wants to feel like they’re being attacked. Create an environment where your partner feels comfortable sharing how they feel in a calm and collected way. It’s also essential to remind your partner that you love them and practice empathy for their situation. When you and your partner feel loved and validated, it will be easier to reach a solution.
Apologize
If you’ve hurt your partner, it’s essential to recognize and take responsibility for your behavior. It can be challenging to hold yourself accountable and apologize, but it shows that you care about your partner’s feelings and are willing to admit when you’re in the wrong. Apologizing can also help you restore trust and strengthen your connection.
Remember that a healthy argument is about finding a resolution to a conflict. You should treat your partner with respect and refrain from making demands or lashing out in anger. It’s also best to avoid bringing up past arguments or mistakes that take focus away from the current problem.
Seek Support from MV Psych in Andover
Sometimes, it can be challenging to change your behavior without help, and some people grow up learning bad habits that carry over into their relationships. If you find it challenging to reach conflict resolution when you argue with your partner, MV Psych can help. We offer marriage and couples counseling to help you learn how to overcome conflict in your relationship and rebuild a healthy foundation.
If you notice that your fights with your partner are constantly escalating or you feel disconnected from your loved one, it may be time for professional help. Our team of knowledgeable clinicians can help you overcome relationship obstacles. Schedule an appointment with us today or give us a call at 978-482-7351.
Reviewed By
Dr. David Rainen, PsyD.
I am a licensed clinical psychologist with an extensive background treating a variety of different ages, situations, emotional and mental health disorders in individuals and their families. As part of my 10 year professional and training career in psychology, I have developed and refined my skills and approaches through my work in a variety of diverse settings including: hospitals, community outpatient facilities, college counseling centers, secure and unsecure inpatient/residential treatment programs, and therapeutic day schools.